Bordering on Insanity


The United States Senate is mulling over the idea of building a 700 mile fence on our southern border. Long before there was such a thing as “chain link,” China built a wall that stretched over 4,000 miles. Perhaps they could give us a few tips about holding back the Mongolian (I mean Mexican) hordes. However, we realize that it is easier to hold back warriors on horseback than hungry workers. Hungry people will do anything to eat. They will pluck a chicken in a heartbeat for pennies on the feather, plant tobacco in the broiling sun, and even pick e-coli laced lettuce to stave off starvation. Go figure.

China built its fence back in the days of cheap labor, those good old days are gone, unless we can trick Mexicans into building a wall around their own country. We could hire them in droves and put them up in FEMA trailers left over from Hurricane Katrina. We would fool them with talk of 401K’s, stock options and the promise of a living wage. After they built the wall, we would tell them that they have been outsourced, laid off, and sold out, or “up the river” by FORD. No, not even Mexicans are stupid enough to work for an American Automobile company these days. We could tell them they are working for Toyota.

Wait, here’s a better idea. Perhaps we could use giant laser beams like the “bug zappers” rich people have in their backyards. Except for the annoying “sizzling” sounds and a little smoke in the air, it would, as Charles Dickens wrote, rid the world of its “surplus population.” Gardeners and chicken-pluckers, of course, would be exempt. They would be issued excess body armor left over from the Iraq war (which is an incentive to end that mess quickly) allowing them to go to work undocumented and unscathed. The Republican mega-farmers and e-coli growers would still have cheap labor, Democrats would have a steady supply of constituents, bigots would feel better, and everyone else could get back to business as usual, like buying stuff at Wall-Mart or standing in line for American Idol try-outs.

Hey, how about this? What if we park all those unsold SUV’s, FORD Explorers and humongous Suburbans along a thousand mile curb to curb illegal immigration? We could pay for it by putting a parking meter next to each vehicle and American taxpayers would feed it quarters for about a hundred years instead of feeding a do nothing congress forever. Well, it’s just an idea.